Welcome back to the blog!
I am fully getting back into the swing of things with this blog and syncing it with my Exercising Depression podcast and YouTube channel.
I recently found an old blog of mine from, believe it or not, 10 years ago! In 2010 I started a blog for my musings and thought-recording, and it was adorable re-reading my old posts. There weren’t many, but one thing that made me reflect was one post I made about The Snow of 2010. It was a nationwide phenomenon that, not unlike one Coronavirus, occupied most thoughts, writings and conversations.
In reading back my post from ‘The Snow of 2010’ I realised how disconnected I was from my mental health. I wrote with such vivacity, colour and boisterous narrative; I miss that. I remember being that person; I was 23, living somewhere new and all I could see were fresh horizons and a new adventure. Little did I know that my time down there would be miserable, isolated and borderline suicidal.
My vlog and podcast episode this week were along the lines of isolation, uncertainty and mental illness. The isolation being the main focus. Now, I work from home, spend much of the day in my own company, with the odd interaction with my In-Laws, and wouldn’t change it for the world. I adore my job and the opportunity to work in my own home; it can get a bit monotonous and lonely at times but these tend to be short lived. The pluses always far outweigh any negatives I encounter. It’s the loss of being able to leave my home that is proving the real difficulty for me. I am a social person, I like to be outside, meeting people and being part of a community; be it church, the gym, my own family outside of my house or the local pubs. These are what give me real joy and purpose outside of working.
The aforementioned previous blog is linked to this, I promise. And here it is; my supposed carefree writing and view of my world was insincere. I have a terrible memory at the best of times so it’s hard for me to recall most details of every-day life when I lived in Pitstone, but reading my few blog posts from that time has really let me back into my own mind. I lived in a sort of blissful, self-inflicted ignorance. I knew I got sad sometimes but I largely ignored it. I never imagined that I would end up being medicated, out the other side of many therapies (with varied results) and with official diagnoses.
I write of living in a small village during a long period of snow:
“…clad in what can only be described as Tanks in Boot Form, leopard-print coat, two scarves, two pairs of gloves, floppy hat and ear muffs, I wandered to the shops. I am always delighted when walking through my village as, no matter what you look like, whether you have two heads and a toilet brush stuck to your shoe, you’re always guaranteed a pleasant smile and sincere greeting…”
As whimsical as this paragraph seems, I remember feeling isolated, alone and hopeless. I recall hating where I lived and its distance from anywhere I could interact with people and be myself. So why did I write as though I were happy? I can only put it down to the aforementioned disconnect from my mental health. I was in the throes of an (unrealised) eating disorder and thought of harming myself as you would about getting a new toothbrush. This was just my reality, but I didn’t see it as problematic. I didn’t want to not hate food, and antidepressants were the furthest thing from my mind.
Which brings me to today and my most recent podcast episode and vlog. I am very much connected to and understand my mental health problems. These things affect me every day and have an influence on almost every decision I make, activity I perform or plan I make. Is this connection to my mental health…healthy? I have automatically thought through the next few weeks or months in terms of my mental health and how it will impact my life and mind. Should I be more distant from instinctively thinking like that? I know I certainly find reading my blog posts from 2010 much more enjoyable than the narratives I share on my podcast and vlogs (and now blog posts).
Maybe this is just how I was meant to grow as a person. I must admit, keeping my mental health problems in the forefront of my mind has crippled me at times, but in others it’s made certain achievements that much bigger. I genuinely don’t know what to think.
But enough now, please feel free to check out the podcast and YouTube channel to check out how I feel I am going to cope in the next few weeks and months; this blog post is more of an extention of my thoughts and a reflecton after finding my old blog. I will certainly share more from that old blog in coming posts, I hope you enjoy them!
And available on many more podcast platforms just search Exercising Depression Podcast